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Showing posts from June, 2010

Baby Blues

A friend of mine (daddy Kraymer, ikaw ‘to) had a baby boy. He was not the first one in our barkada to have one but somehow the timing made me rethink some things. I have always thought that having a baby is a life shattering experience ( and i’m not just talking about labor pains, costs, etc) but of the whole process. of suddenly realizing that its not just you anymore, but that you have created somebody… a person.

It is frightening to think that everything will be changed by this event. what used to be a happy gathering of sorts by our barkada will now be filled with talks about milk, diapers and nannies. as much as i welcome the new member of the family, somehow i dread the future where each one of us will slowly become parents and form families of our own. where we will become too busy to even text or see each other. where all we think about when we get together is whether the baby has been fed and burped.

we still have plenty more years to go. and although age and time is constan…

Rains and Chocolates

Rain, rain go away…
Rainy days are here again, and while some people (students and govt. people esp) would love the rains, i just dont. Why? well aside from the fact that the street across our house is always flooded (more so now), i can just imagine tha hassle of going to and from work. i would like to wish that rubber boots become fashionable so that i would have reason to wear them out. if only i have someone to carry me (on the back, like those koreanovelas) and it would’nt hurt if he looks like the bida in one of those too…sigh… only, not only do i have to content myself in riding a pedicab just to reach the street which is just 10 steps away, the danger of being eaten by a hidden manhole in freaking me out. and of course, rainy season is lonely too (in seattle, where it rains mostly throughout the year, many of the residents there are manic-deppressive so they have the highest population of shrinks there).

Somebody give me some chocolates.

Heartstopper

i wish i had the power to replay the year and make good with my mistakes.
i know i’m not perfect, but sometimes — just sometimes i can be so "tanga" its annoying.
for not knowing when to say No
for trying hard not to be mataray
for showing people that i have not changed
for trying to convince myself that i have grown
for not being happy with the situation
for wanting things differently
for not accepting the truth
for trying to change the past

I know no one’s perfect, but still there are things i wish i could have done differently if not better. just as the saying that "there are no mistakes, just lessons to be learned" i still wish that i have learned these lessons differently, not the hard deppressing way. the year is just about to end and with the coming year is the new hope that i will be a stronger, happier, better person.

if not, then i just have to make sure i do a good job of slitting my throat…

Lost & Found

i lost my lola last sept. 13. she was 91 years old. in all the years that i have spent with her, i know that she has never dreaded death. much as i want to cry over the pain of her passing, i know, somehow, she wanted all this to end.
i saw my sister again also during this time. what i feel for her, i can’t quite fathom. i guess there is still the remorse for the fact that she left… and never returned until now. funny that a death somehow brings the family closer. relatives you don’t always see would come rushing to your arms to give a hug, lend a hand, share a tear… perhaps, its the pain that binds us closer together. it was said that adversity makes one realize the importance of family and good friends.
i don’t know what i have lost… my lola is now just a name, not a person. still, i believe that her spirit lives with us. what i have gained? a lot of realizations in life, the significance of good family ties and the worth of great friends. i now know that no one is invincible and th…

Hurrying Slowly

Life is good. Everyday is a great chance to change things and make things better. i know that. slowly, i am getting there.
days might seem extra lonely now but i still believe that it will be better. healing might take time. forgeting, even more impossible at the moment. but i have hopes. just as i try everyday to seem happy and contented. inside, i still have questions. perhaps, in time i will be ready to accept.
i have never believed in letting go. now more than ever, i cling to whatever memories i can conjure, always reminding myself that though things changed, we still have the power to make things happen.
Life is just a test… there’s always the possibility to get a perfect score.

to borrow inspiration from one of my fave quotes:

" i wanted a perfect ending. Now, i learned the hard way that some poems don’t rhyme & some stories dont’ have a clear beggining, middle or end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the most of it without know…

Contradicting Happiness

I should be proud that you had the guts to leave all this. to go search for yourself and find your own hapiness. i want to but i can’t. not when the house seems empty… lonely… devoid of any traces of your existence. i look at your books, some you would never get to read again or finish. i see your pics and somehow i try to remember when you had stopped laughing in all those. i put all your stuffs in a box not knowing whether they would be opened or used again. i stopped listening to your cd’s because they help me to remember.
i try to tell myself its all temporary. that all the this will be better. but how can i? when everyday gets worse. i, who never cried is now used to crying. i don’t question the tears anymore. they just fall and somehow, i can’t help it.
i don’t know if its selfishness on my part to wish for your return. but until now, i can’t undertsand why you would turn your back on all this. i know that i have always told you to go for what you want, but is leaving us your wa…

From Bad to Worse, a confession

i’ve been listening to "the art of letting go" cd lent to me by a classmate for 4 hours now. i am amazed at how i can relate to most of the songs considering i have never been in a relationship nor had my heart broken. its weird i know. but i have even been reading i kissed dating goodbye long before i started dating so learning the art of letting go even before i got in a relationship is still pretty normal to me. to top it all, i am currently reading "the dictionary of failed realationships" and is enjoying it. i don’t know if that is because i find being miserable and heartbroken funny because it has never happened to me. its a good thing then that i am preparing myself.
coz for me being prepared is the best cure….

Of Work, Studies & Future

naka-compartmentalize na ang buhay ko. i only have time for work, studies, family and myself…in that order. i don’t have time to do anything else.
somebody asked me… diba malungkot maging single?
huh? are you kidding? with the time that i have right now, its a blessing that i don’t exist for anybody else. i don’t even have time to read all the books i like to read, to watch movies i like to see, to travel, to relax… i can’t even take a bath for more than 30 minutes.
there is somebody in my future… that i am sure… at habang wala pa sya, i might as well enjoy myself.
a wise woman (my mom) once told me "Once married, always married. So, why hurry?"
time is passing by so fast and i am sure that my future someone is not just sitting down and being miserable just beacause we have not yet met. just as i plan to enjoy my singleness, i hope he gets to enjoy his too.
and maybe, when we meet… we can get to share our stories and memories.