Contradicting Happiness

I should be proud that you had the guts to leave all this. to go search for yourself and find your own hapiness. i want to but i can’t. not when the house seems empty… lonely… devoid of any traces of your existence. i look at your books, some you would never get to read again or finish. i see your pics and somehow i try to remember when you had stopped laughing in all those. i put all your stuffs in a box not knowing whether they would be opened or used again. i stopped listening to your cd’s because they help me to remember.
i try to tell myself its all temporary. that all the this will be better. but how can i? when everyday gets worse. i, who never cried is now used to crying. i don’t question the tears anymore. they just fall and somehow, i can’t help it.
i don’t know if its selfishness on my part to wish for your return. but until now, i can’t undertsand why you would turn your back on all this. i know that i have always told you to go for what you want, but is leaving us your way of saying its not us you wanted?
life is too short to have regrets and be miserable. and although i try to tell myself that i would end up a stronger person because of this, i can’t help but question the sense of all this hurting.
i like to be happy for you, i do… and though you have made you choice, i will continue to stick by mine.
i will pray for your hapiness but i wish for your return.
love,
ate